I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's blow job season.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
