i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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