So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
