flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
