So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
