mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
