I want to stick my p in your. b.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize