My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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