if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
