were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He told me they were just razor bumps!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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