My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
