Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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