yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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