get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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