You just made me feel so damn special
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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