I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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