so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
