oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
