Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
