Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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