You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
