So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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