I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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