i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
