when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
