just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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