This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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