You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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