Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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