it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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