I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
