worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Are my feet made of real feet?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
