I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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