Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
