You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
