Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
