this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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