when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
COCAINE IS GR8
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
