I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
