I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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