just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
