Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
