omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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