I think scott just propositioned me for sex
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
