I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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