I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
