I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
