When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
