I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
