This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
