I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
