please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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